


Eurus is Kind of a Slag

by merelypassingtime



Category: Sherlock (TV), Sherlock Holmes & Related Fandoms
Genre: Claiming all the Eurus tags!, Crack, F/F, F/M, Humor, I'm Bad At Tagging, Just so I could say I did, M/M, Post-season/series 04 Fix-it, Really Bad Sexual Humor, Sexual Humor, Sherlock Series 4 Spoilers, holmescest, kind of, sort of, the devil made me do it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-22
Updated: 2017-01-22
Packaged: 2018-09-19 05:28:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,108
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9420641
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/merelypassingtime/pseuds/merelypassingtime
Summary: Between saving John from the well (somehow) and Lestrade arriving to take her away Eurus Holmes kisses and tells, much to Sherlock and John's consternation.





	

Sherlock finished his text with a bit of a flourish and tucked the phone back into the pocket of his overcoat, feeling grateful that Eurus had kept their phones on her when she had dragged them out here to the middle of nowhere for the conclusion of her game.

“I texted Mycroft's assistant,” he told John. “She says Lestrade and his team are on their way and should be here is just a few minutes.”

John nodded from where he was crouched next to Eurus, examining her. “Good, are they bringing an ambulance? She could use a through checking over, though I think she is fine. Anyone else I would say she is catatonic but knowing Holmes as I do I am guessing she is just in her mind palace.”

“Aeroplane.” Sherlock corrected absently. There was something subtly wrong about how John was acting and he was working to put his finger on to it.

“What?”

“She actually has a mind aeroplane. Where she is all alone... You know, the girl on the plane we were trying to help?”

“That was her?” John asked incredulously. “That was all just another trick.”

“Well, not really. It was a perfect metaphor for her feelings of abandonment.”

“Oh, well that is just stupid.” When Sherlock glared at him for this John hastily added, “And kind of sad too I guess. Poor thing.” and he patted the silently staring woman on the shoulder kindly.

Suddenly John's attitude and body language snapped into comprehension for him. And he felt himself go wide eyed in shock. He must have made some sort of noise too because John looked up at him sharply. Before he could ask what was wrong Sherlock pointed an accusing finger at the bedraggled doctor and said in horror, “You have had sex with her!”

If Sherlock had needed confirmation the guilty look on John's face would have told him everything. “Look, It is not what you think.” John started but Sherlock cut him off. “When could you have possibly done that? You said you had just texted with the woman on the bus!”

“Yeah, that was all it was while Mary was alive. But after, well, it was a bad time and I was a bit drunk and I still had her number...” John trailed off.

“So you rang her up and had sex? With my sister?!”

“Hey, I didn't know she was your sister. You didn't even know you had a sister.”

“That doesn't make it right John!” Sherlock all but shouted back.

Of course it was at this inopportune moment that Eurus came out of her trance-like state. Sounding alarmed she started, “Sherlock, what is wrong?” while her eyes flitted around the room, observing and deducing. Before anyone could answer her question she answered it herself. “Ah, you figured out that I slept with John and are being overly dramatic about it.”

“Overly dramatic?” Sherlock sputtered. “I am not being overly dramatic. I just found out that you seduced my best friend!”

“Really Sherlock? What did you expect?” she asked in a reasonable tone of voice. “I was trying to find out more about you, why wouldn't I go through your best friend?”

“Oh and I suppose that I should be grateful you didn't just drown this one right off, should I?”

“You know you forgave me for that less than an hour ago and here you are already bringing it back up? And yes, you should be glad I didn't kill this one, especially since he was so infuriatingly hard to program against you.”

“What?!”

“Oh really, Sherlock,” Eurus said sounding disappointed. “You didn't think he turned against you all on his own did you? It was basically a full time job keeping him off balance, angry, and away from you. Honestly it made manipulating Moriarty look like a walk through the park.”

John, who had wisely edged out of the line of fire between the two Holmes, broke back into the conversation, “But I hardly even spoke to you during that time!”

“I know,” Eurus replied, “Isn't that the beauty of it? And I did arrange for our sexual encounter to be right before Sherlock dragged you back into his life so you would be at the peak of your instability.”

“God, that is right.” John whispered, aghast.

“I have to say though Doctor Watson, for all the dull emotional turmoil you still were a brilliant shag. Your file doesn't lie when it says you have a habit of carrying concealed weaponry.”

Sherlock noted with interest that this remark had turned John bright red. He couldn't stop himself from trying to steal a glance down at where John's wet and clinging trousers were doing little to hide the truth of Eurus's claims. She was clearly not lying.

Of course she caught him out looking. “Yes, big brother. He is intriguingly above statistical averages and I can assure you he knows just how to use it too.” She turned towards John adding, “It made the hour I had to spend after hearing you blubber about Mary more than worth it. You know I have to say that Mary not nearly so weepy when I had sex with her.”

John went from embarrassed and vaguely proud to enraged in less than a second. Luckily it took even less time for Sherlock to see it coming and step between him and where Eurus was still sitting, holding him back as John shouted, “You liar! Mary would have never slept with you! She loved me and I loved her.”

“Oh, I am guessing this is one of those thing I should not have said, isn't it? I apologize Doctor, one of the few drawbacks to being a psychopath.” And she did sound contrite. “If it helps, she was very hard to talk around and even though I left her my number she never called me back after. Which was a pity, she was a real tiger in bed wasn't she?”

John threw himself at Eurus again screaming for blood, but Sherlock managed to hold him back. As soothingly as he could Sherlock told him, “John, it is not worth it, don't let her back in your head.” and a string of other platitudes until the short man passed from 'I had bad days' furious back into the safer realms of anger. 

Finally John threw up his arms in surrender, “Fine, it's fine Sherlock. I just need to go take a bit of a walk okay.”

Sherlock gave him a searching look, making sure he really was calm enough to walk away before nodding, “Of course. The main road is almost a half a mile from the front of the house if you wouldn't mind going to keep an eye out for Lestrade and his team, otherwise we could be here all night waiting for them.”

John nodded back and with a last murderous glare at Eurus he stomped in the direction Sherlock had pointed.

Sherlock watched him go for several seconds before turning back to his sister. He was surprised that she had not slipped back into her mind plane and was instead examining him intently. To distract her from whatever she was plotting Sherlock said causally, “So, you lied to me in our little interview. You said you only had sex once, with the careless nurse.”

“Oh, Sherlock, you weren't really listening. I did tell you the truth about the nurse, but I never said that was the only time I'd ever done it. It is such an effective way to achieve one's goal, knowing what people like. Though I admit it was much easier tool to use once I had left Sherrinford. There it really was only the one nurse and Moriarty.”

“Moriarty?” Sherlock said, working to keep his tone cool and even. “But you only had five minutes with him through a glass wall.”

“Oh, you think I have just removed the glass for you, did you? No, I had that done years ago. As to the five minutes, that turned out to be three minutes more than I needed to plant a plan in his brain. Or at least so I thought at the time. Now I wish I had taken longer with him, especially since three minutes turned out to be more than he needed to finish when he found out I was related to you. Really, it was almost a blow to my fragile ego the way he came crying out your name. You should be glad I don't hold that against you. At least John tried to cover it when he did the same thing.”

Sherlock paused in his effort to delete the mental image of Moriarty mid-orgasm to take in that last sentence. Against his will he found himself asking, “John called out my name?”

Eurus smiled at him indulgently, “Well, part of it. He tried to pass it off, but really? Who calls out 'Sure!' during their climax?” 

Sherlock carefully filed that information away to be studied another time. He must not have guarded his expression very well as he did it though as Eurus's next words were soft and almost affectionate. “He loves you too you know. You do know right, brother? He would do anything for you, and God help him if he should hurt you again, Mycroft and I would kill him... Plus he really is amazing in bed.”

“Ugh, I never want to hear that from you again.” Sherlock said with a wince.

“Doesn't mean it is not true.” was her smug reply. “Of all the people I had sex with to get to you he was by far the best.”

“I still don't want to hear about it ev-” Sherlock halted as his mind processed the full meaning of her sentence. “What do you mean 'all the people?'”

Eurus looked a bit chagrined as she hedged, “I was in prison all my adult life until recently. In retrospect I will admit that I might have overdone my freedom a bit.”

“Who else?” Sherlock demanded.

“Well, when I figured out that I would be pretending to be John's therapist I thought it would be very useful to read the notes of his former therapist...”

“So you seduced Ella.”

“Yes. It was surprisingly easy. For a mental health professional she has some seriously Freudian fetishes. Really it is not a wonder that she did so little to help John.”

“Okay, and...”

“It also turned out to be the most expedient way to access Molly Hooper's flat to plant those cameras.”

Sherlock huffed, “Molly? No, I don't believe that.”

“Oh there are a lot of things about Miss Hooper you would not believe. I am just glad I didn't have to tell her I knew you or I might be three for three on the people who would try to call me your name while having an orgasm.”

Privately Sherlock had to agree that he had always known there were hidden depths to Molly, it had made her a useful ally more than once. He supposed it had been closed-minded to think that none of her depths might be sexual in natural. There was always something, he thought and gave a shrug, focusing his mind back on his sister. “Okay, please tell me that is all.”

“I could tell you that.”

“Or you could tell me the truth, is that it? Fine, carry on.”

Eurus sighed, “If you want, though I don't really see how any of this matters to you.”

Sherlock wasn't sure himself but aloud the answer he gave was, “It is always best to know all the holes in one's security.”

“Touche. And you may have a point as I also pulled Mycroft's assistant, Athena?”

“Anthea,” he corrected.

“Whatever.” Eurus waved it off, continuing, “-to find a way to get to Mycroft. And while she was fun in her own right, let me tell you all that texting has given her amazing manual dexterity, she was more useful in letting me know that grey hair and Clair de la Lune perfume were the way to Mycroft's regard.”

“Eurus, you didn't. Not with your brother, with Mycroft, did you?!” Sherlock demanded, not sure if he was more repelled by the idea of the incest or just by the idea of it being Mycroft.

“Psychopath, remember. Like any sort of familial connection would bother me.” she said. She paused a second, seemingly to relish the abject disgust on Sherlock's face before she went on, “Oh, don't be so horrified, brother. Nothing happened except that he got a bit tipsy on brandy, cried all over my shoulder about some manly, sliver haired bloke he fancies, and then he taught me the best way to apply eyeliner. Honestly, I think that he and Uncle Rudy have more in common than just having gone into the government.”

Sherlock, who had reached the same conclusion years ago, was relieved to be spare the task of deleting any thought of Mycroft having sex from his mind. Surely that would be the worst of it. 

It was a thought he immediately regretted as Eurus continued, “The grey wig and the perfume worked better on Mrs Hudson. She said it reminded her of someone.”

“God, you didn't.”

“Yes, I did. And for a woman in her seventies she is very liberal minded. Particularly after she has one of her herbal soothers.”

Sherlock stared at her, opened mouth until the sound of gravel crunching outside made him whip around towards the gaping hole in the roof. He could see several police vans pulling up Lestrade's in the lead with John, now wrapped in a grey blanket but still looking angry in the passenger’s seat. Sherlock was sure he had never been so relieved to see Lestrade arriving to a scene. Behind him Eurus laughed as if reading his thoughts. Of course she probably was.

Sherlock watched Lestrade and John get out of the car and start towards the house while the rest of the team fanned out around it establishing a parameter. Only when he heard steps on the landing did he turn from his inspection of the force outside, fixing a look of cool indifference to his face he surveyed the two men who entered the room. He gave John a quick half smile before facing Lestrade. He gave the DI a quick nod and what we thought was an extremely polite, “Lestrade.” then he gestured at where Eurus was still sitting on her old bed and said, “And this is-”but Lestrade beat him to it.

“Emmy?” he asked with a note of astonishment.

“Ah,” Sherlock said. With a despairing look at Eurus he asked, “Lestrade too I take it?”

Eurus shrugged, “It was either him or have a threesome with Anderson and Donovan. I have to say I stand by my choice.”

“What?!” Lestrade demanded.

“This is Eurus, she has been explaining in great, one might say painful, detail how she seduced and had sex with absolutely everyone I have ever met.” Sherlock explained. 

He turned back to Eurus as a thought occurred to him, “But never me. Why not? You knew from Mycroft that I had no memory of you and you were close enough to me to try at least once. Why did you never try to seduce me?”

To one side John made a noise in the back of his throat that let Sherlock know that the question was perhaps a bit not good but he stayed focused on his sister. She just shrugged again, “I didn't think you were interested in sex.”

Sherlock rolled his eyes to the sky and cried in frustration, “Why does everyone just assume that?!”

Another small sound drew his eyes back down to earth and toward where John was standing looking surprised and hopeful. John cleared his throat again and asked quietly, “So, you are interested in sex then?”

Sherlock met John's eyes and to his horror he felt a blush spreading across his face. He stammered, “Well, um, yes. Of course I am, you know if it were the right person.”

On her bed Eurus began to laugh hysterically, while Lestrade pinched the bridge of his nose and shook his head saying, “God that is just painful to watch.” But none of that mattered because John was beaming at him like a boy who had gotten all his Christmases at once. Sherlock smiled shyly back as he felt the blush moving all the way across his face and down his neck. He was still smiling when Lestrade took out his radio and called into it, “Yeah, the suspect is secure. Send someone to take her away.”

That sobered Sherlock up, realizing that this might be the last time he ever saw his sister. Quickly he walked over to where she was now wiping tears of mirth out of her eyes and sat down beside her again. He took her hand and looked in her flat green eyes. “Eurus, I am sorry, but you are probably going back to Sherrinford.” She nodded in agreement completely unsurprised so Sherlock went on, “I can't promise that I'll be allowed to come see you regularly, but I can promise you that I will not forget you this time. Just remember that and that, no matter what you are always my sister. Alright?” Again she nodded but now her eyes seemed to look through him and as Lestrade's team handcuffed her it was as if she had already returned to that aeroplane lost forever in the sky. Sherlock was overwhelmed for a moment with sadness until the reassuring warmth of John pressed into his side. 

John put a hand on him shoulder and said, “It will all be fine you know, we will figure it out.”

Sherlock envied him his optimism, but all he said was, “Yeah well, let's get out of here for a start. We have lots to do and I am sure Rosie is missing her dad.”

Later, as they stood in the yard of the burned house and watched Eurus being taken away John asked him, “You okay?”

Sherlock stared at off in to the distance, “I said I’d bring her home. I can’t, can I?”

“Well, you gave her what she was looking for: context.”

“Is that good?” Sherlock asked.

John looked a little sad as he answered, “It’s not good, it’s not bad. It’s, it is what it is.”

As the two men watched the helicopter carrying Eurus back to prison lift off, John freed one arm from the grey blanket he was still wearing and took a hold of Sherlock's hand.


End file.
